You Have OCD Because God Loves You
An Invitation from On High to Join an Army of Suffering Souls
I think God needs a little help with His public relations. If people understood the bigger picture of His aims and workings, His poll numbers might go up.
As His self-appointed press secretary, let me make our case to the American Public that your obsessive-compulsive disorder is actually a gift from God and a personal invitation to a special army. Rest assured that despite the present turmoil, the president remains fully committed to His mission to serve, protect, and save you.
My Struggles with OCD
I’ve spent the better part of the last decade struggling with varying degrees of mental illness. I’m not a victim, I gave God plenty of reasons to dislike me, and there are lots of horrible ways to suffer…but it doesn’t make it any easier.
One of the hardest parts of mental disorders is wondering “Why is this happening to me? Does God hate me?” Mental illness can certainly make it seem like that.
From a lingering depression and panic attacks that made driving extremely difficult to severe obsessions and compulsions controlling every aspect of my life, I ran the mental health gambit. A brief stay in an outpatient facility, a total mental breakdown, intrusive suicidal thoughts, calling the cops to “turn myself in'' for a crime I didn’t commit, driving back past a spot where I might have “run someone over” earlier, going to confession three times in one day, and washing my hands until they bled. If you struggle with OCD, you know what I mean.
During that time, I’ve probably spent over $10,000 on treatment. Was prescribed paxil, lithium, fluvoxamine, citalopram, and several others I can’t remember. Then there were all the therapists, spiritual directors, psychologists, prayers, and attempts at manipulating God and others to stop my suffering. And of course……the thousands of hours of googling, reading, researching, and trying to “figure it out”.
After all this effort, this is my honest opinion. The primary reason you have OCD is because God loves you. Granted, I don’t know all the details of your life, but I don’t think I need to in order to come to that same conclusion.
You might be thinking: “What the heck!? God loves me? Funny way of showing love there, God. I’d hate to see how you treat the people that you don’t like!!”
A quote from Saint Teresa of Avila comes to mind:
Once as she was crossing a stream on a donkey, she fell face down into the water and began complaining to the Lord, who replied to her “Teresa, whom the Lord loves, he chastises. This is how I treat all my friends.” Teresa replied, “No wonder you have so few!”1
Amen sister, I hear you. I have told God on several occasions “I get why people don’t like you.” I still love Him and think He’s awesome (most of the time) but like I said, I think He could do a better job explaining what He’s up to.
While OCD can truly be an excruciating condition, God has determined in His wisdom that this condition is beneficial (maybe even necessary) for your salvation, personal growth, and eternal reward…not to mention all the others it will help. There is something about suffering that can draw us closer to God, perfect us, and bring about good without violating our free will. Without it, we are prone to wander off and forget about Him.
Look at how St. Padre Pio recounts a comment from Jesus to him:
“How many times,” Jesus said to me a little while ago, “would you have abandoned me, my son, if I had not crucified you.”2
To St. Gemma Galgani:
“O My daughter, how many would have abandoned Me if they had not been crucified. The cross is a gift too precious, and from it come many virtues.”3
Now, this is not to say that God just wants to crush you and watch you bleed. I honestly think that He wants to bring healing, love, and joy to your life but His ways are a bit mysterious:
“For he woundeth, and cureth: he striketh, and his hands shall heal.”- Job 5:18
Seems counterintuitive but I think Jesus is giving you OCD as a gift to help and bless you….but it’s probably not (i.e. is absolutely not in any way, shape, or form) in the manner that you would prefer. He (not us…more on this later) is going to bring great good out of this condition if we cooperate just a little bit. Why He chooses to do this, I can’t fully answer but this seems to be His MO.
God’s Communication via OCD
Before I explain why I think this is the case, let’s take a step back to look at the bigger picture:
“No one can receive anything except what has been given him from heaven”
(John 3:27)
God manifests reality through His mind. Yes, we have some degree of control and a free will but ultimately nothing can happen without God allowing it and holding it in existence. Even though it seems that there is so much chaos and randomness in your life, God is in control.
"And I saw that truly nothing happens by accident or luck, but everything by God's wise providence ... for matters that have been in God's foreseeing wisdom, since before time began, befall us suddenly, all unawares; and so in our blindness and ignorance we say that this is accident or luck, but to our Lord God it is not so."4
–St. Juliana of Norwich (emphasis added is mine)
The circumstances of your life (including OCD) are a form of God speaking to you. Usually, we are sitting around waiting for a booming voice in the sky to say “Jason, you need to get your act together! Put down the PlayStation and do X, Y, and Z so I can bless you and heal you.” For whatever reason, God usually doesn’t do that.
Now that we know your OCD is a form of God speaking to you, we want to understand why He is speaking to you in this manner.
If you have ever taken a corporate communications class, one of the first things you probably heard was “Always assume positive intent”. Basically, this means that even though Bob’s emails always appear rude, accusatory, and incoherent…I should assume that he meant well. This is all the more true in our communication with God.
“My love makes Me will everything that is useful and salutary for you. It is impossible that any evil should come from Me, or any hatred. It was out of goodness that I created man, and I always love him with ineffable tenderness.”5
- God to St. Catherine of Siena
God is allowing this condition because He loves you (again seems like He could work on His communication skills) and wants what is best for you. How in the world though are your obsessions and compulsions possibly part of an “ineffable tenderness”?
God sees everything from a “big picture perspective” so let’s look at how He views our time on earth.
We are the little kids born on one side, eventually to die on the other side. The “dash” is the time in between where we have the opportunity to earn merit for eternity, good or bad. On the outside of the racetrack we have all the parents looking on, rooting for us to do well (think God, the Angels, and the Saints that have gone before us).
God wants us to run straight to the finish line as fast as we can, overcoming the roadblocks we face (and actively created), helping others who fall along the way, and accepting help when we need it. If you do that, you will have a very good race time. Top runners get big rewards on the other side.
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with perseverance the race that is set before us” (Hebrews 12:1)
Jesus is up there at the top rooting you on and waiting to reward you….like big time. His mom brought Mondo’s and fruit snacks for everyone after the race, too. If your performance was exceptional (overcoming great obstacles, major sacrifices, dragging your wounded buddies with you, defeating lots of adversaries, etc.)....we have prizes for that too.
So you see, your Dad has decided that this condition is necessary to get you where you need to be. It might be a combination of a couple of things:
You may have an inner sensitivity that not everyone possesses. I once heard a nun give a talk on scrupulosity in which she said that scrupulous people (think OCD) have the ability to “see deeply”. I agree. You probably have a sensitive soul and may have a heightened awareness of the mystical. I am not saying you are necessarily a prophet or will levitate when you pray but that you have a gifting in the ability to recognize the spiritual realities that underly the world. This is truly a gift, but the enemy and our fallen nature easily distorts it into a seeming curse. It can be very difficult to live in the world with this condition, especially when you have no support system. God wants you to develop the necessary virtues to best govern this gift for the good of yourself and others.
Have you ever played a video game where, as you approach the edge of the map, the screen starts blinking red, the controller vibrates, and your health starts to drop? If you keep going in that direction you eventually fall off a cliff and die. I think God sometimes uses our mental health issues in a similar manner. Maybe there are some improvements we need to make in our diet, thinking patterns, relationships, exercise, spiritual habits, and lifestyle. These mental issues may be a sign of some changes we need to make to get back on track.
Every great story has a low point for the hero. He wakes up in jail after a three-day bender, realizes his wife left him, and has lost everything. Most of us look at the mugshot of that guy and think “What a degenerate. He’s right where he deserves to be.” Not Jesus….He specializes in turnaround stories.
“… I make the most beautiful masterpieces precisely from souls that I have drawn from the lowest things, from the mud, because I have more material to work upon.”
– Our Lord to Sr. Benigna Consolata Ferrero6
Five years later, through the grace of God, the man is sober, has reconciled his family, is attending Church, and now helps others who have been to jail and struggle with addictions. His time in jail, the wounds imparted on his family, and poor decisions….far from being a source of shame, God has now transformed into a source of inspiration. The memory of them helps to keep him humble. Through his story, he can now reach a different segment of society with the saving message of the gospel. Your weakness, sin, guilt, need, and poverty are no obstacle for God and are the start of an amazing turnaround story. “Hallowed be thy Name”, that is, be glorified in my need.7
OCD is often a disease of control…God wants you to surrender and receive His love. He may be pushing you to the edge as a way to say (as he told St. Margaret Mary) “Let me do it.” A confessor once asked me (after hearing me rattle off a list of doubts and worries) “What would happen if you just let go?” It is very scary, and I struggle almost every hour of every day, but I have to say that just letting go is the only thing that brings any true healing to my life.
There are many other factors that may play into this including wounds, diabolical influence (you almost certainly aren’t possessed, settle down), traumas, etc. We will focus more on those in later articles.
Remember God Does Not Hate You….But He Has a Weird Way of Showing It Sometimes
Honestly, living with this condition and knowing that my Dad in Heaven is deliberately allowing these extremely distressing, unpleasant experiences on purpose, it sometimes makes it very hard for me to choose to love Him. I mean if I let some guy run into my son’s room, drag him out by his feet, threaten to throw him in hell, made him question his sanity, suffer violent internal disorder, and then just sort of stopped, didn’t explain the reason and left him cowering in the corner….I think I would have child protective services at my door.
For some reason, God often works this way with people that He loves (not that anyone can earn it or deserve it more than anyone else):
"I have sent this cross to you, you do not appreciate it; rather it is contrary to your desire, but the more it is contrary, the more it is like Mine……. if I lead you on paths hard and painful; if I permit that you be tormented by the demon, that the world despise you, that persons most dear to you afflict you, and with daily martyrdom, I permit your soul to be purified and tested. And you, daughter, think only of practicing great virtue; run in the path of the Divine Will, humbled, assured, that if I hold you to the cross, I love you." - Jesus to Saint Gemma Galgani8
God has an “unusual” way of showing love sometimes. Again, not that He simply wants to watch you squirm and will never heal you or allow you to experience his love, peace, and joy but that He is using this mental illness as a means of purification and perfection. Only He knows all the reasons involved in sending you this trial, but I promise you it is simply pure love and that one day you will come to see that.
In Closing
Regardless of the source, I think God is allowing this to invite you into a type of special relationship with Him. A type of deep surrender and trust that will bring about so much good. It will be painful, there is no way around that…but I believe it will be incredibly fruitful. I absolutely hate suffering and complain a lot but do you honestly want to be the guy who got to Heaven by simply having a nice Sunday stroll? “Oh wow, just happened to be in the neighborhood so I thought I’d pop in for a minute.”
Wouldn’t you rather be the guy who got to the door, covered in blood and sweat, dropped to your knees and collapsed with an army of souls beside you?
“….I firmly believe that any man’s finest hours – his greatest fulfillment of all that he holds dear – is that moment when he has worked his heart out in good cause and lies exhausted on the field of battle – victorious.”- Vince Lombardi9
We can’t do any of this on our own. Jesus has to do it and unfortunately, He is really hung up on this “pick up your cross and follow me” thing. However, when approached appropriately, you will actually start to love it and it will bring you joy.
I also want to stress again that this does not mean that Jesus is trying to simply remove all pleasure or joy from your life, in fact it is the opposite. This is very important to keep in mind. Instead, he wants to purify the joys that you do have and help you to recieve the higher goods he has in store for you while teaching you the privilege it is to live in His love and follow after Him on the road to Calvary.
This OCD is a very heavy cross you have…..but heavy crosses yield big blessings. Regardless of how it got here or what needs to be done about it, He only gave it to you because you are His little boy or girl. He is saying “I love you. Embrace this, use this for your good and the good of others. Trust me.” Start small and slow. Be patient with yourself but do try to take advantage of this opportunity.
Having been walking this path for a while now, I am here to invite you to join me on this journey as a companion. I cannot stop your suffering, but I think I can help you learn to harness the energy behind it, distinguish between genuine movements of the spirit versus mental illness, and share my struggles with you. God loves you, I love you, and we need you here. You probably have some great insights and stories to share as well.
“We always find that those who walked closest to Christ were those who had to bear the greatest trials.”- St. Theresa of Avila10
When you take that final step across the finish line and drop this big-old, heavy cross for all eternity…..your Dad is going to be there to scoop you up in His arms forever with the biggest “Well done my good and faithful servant” you have ever heard. He will make it worth your while and you won’t regret a second of the journey. I know you are struggling, and it probably doesn’t feel like that right now, but hang in there. Take this opportunity to become a Soul on Fire.
That’s what all my writing is about….becoming a soul on fire, particularly viewed through the lens of overcoming OCD and mental health struggles. If you enjoyed this article or found it helpful, you can subscribe for more free articles like this. There is so much more I have to share about this condition and your journey but in the words of Porky Pig “That’s all folks.”
Pacem in Terris.org- St. Theresa of Avila
Inspiring Catholic Saint Quotes - My Catholic Life!
St Gemma Galgani: Words of Jesus on suffering -The reason for suffering
https://catholicquotations.com/god-and-humanity/
https://littlestsouls.wordpress.com/?s=trust&submit=Search
Want a Deeper Surrender? Let It Go with This Novena. - Ascension Press Media
St Gemma Galgani: Jesus teaches St Gemma the value of suffering
Quotes | Vince Lombardi
Wise Words from Avila: 10 Quotes from St. Teresa (denvercatholic.org)